Mannish: The Knights of the 21st Century

I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I’m not classically masculine. I don’t watch football on the regular, I barely understand my own car, and I cannot maintain composure if an insect buzzes past me, regardless if it’s armed with a stinger or not. I’m something of a centrist on the spectrum of femininity and masculinity with a slight lean to the latter—if you subscribe to such binaries. I am biologically male and I own a John Woo movie on DVD. I’d say I’m plenty masculine.

But something tells me I’m not manly enough for the Knights of the 21st Century, a "Christian Men's Ministry and Fellowship." In a blurb on their front page, the Knights set the scene:

Knights brandished swords against evil in medieval times to bring freedom to their land. Times have not changed, but the roundtables have been empty for centuries. Across the nation different Knights men's ministry groups are forming around new roundtables as a result of this innovative and life-changing men's ministry series. They are learning a new way to fight for their women, children, God and country. Men can choose to ignore the holy war that is going on in our nation and our world, or they can join a roundtable in the fight for God and freedom. 

I want to point out my favorite sentiment from this passage: “Men can choose to ignore the holy war that is going on in our nation and our world.” A “holy war”? Who are the combatants? Manly men versus the sissies? Nothing points to anything specific, so let’s dig deeper.

On their “What We Believe” page, the Knights declare, “We believe that not only are men extremely valuable, but they also love metaphors and stories.” What? “Valuable” as opposed to what? The wording suggests that men aren’t valued, but they give no reason as to why they should be valued. Is society as a whole devaluing men? Because, HA HA NOPE. Are they valuable because they know how to use jumper cables or build a deck? I don’t disagree necessarily; men should be valued, but also should women and those who don’t identify as either. Basically what I’m saying is value ascribed by gender expectations is a load of horseshit. But maybe I’m too quick to judge. Let’s read on!

On this same page is a small panel in the corner titled “Changing The Culture” that pretends to go into more detail:

Our culture has a male identity crisis. How can we reach young men and boys? What could it be like if every young man went through a ceremony on the way to manhood? Would they be more likely to participate in the church of the future? 

This is an advert for Bull, “a one year program for fathers and sons or group of males” that “can help a young male achieve manhood.” Here is the poster image for the program:

A quick Google search convinced me that, yes, a male elephant is called a bull, but after I quelled that concern, I took to seeing the two names attached: Mitchell P. Davis, B.A., and Roy Smith, M.Div., Ph.D. Roy Smith looks he might have an impressive resume, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone tag their bachelor’s degree on their name like a Ph.D. I could be wrong, but I feel like that goes against some sort of convention. Did Mr. Davis feel inadequate? That doesn’t seem manly.

But I’ll tell you what is manly: that “Manhood Resources” page. How do I know that this page is dripping with testosterone? Look at that "Additional Manhood Resources” image. LOOK AT IT. You have a hammer, a glove, some nails—that’s a man’s toolbox right there. Wait, is that a paintbrush? For an artiste? GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE.

The testimonials page I think was made when they thought they’d have a lot more feedback, but right now it only hosts three accounts. There’s a link to “Read More,” but clicking it just brings you to the top of the page. Jim Andreadis confesses to once being a “spandex male.” In fact, he is credited as “Jim Andreadis, Former spandex male.” I didn’t know what a spandex male was, and Googling that just brought up images of banana hammocks and websites on which to buy banana hammocks. My guess is that it’s their way of saying “homo” while still maintaining an air of political correctness.

So one doesn’t get overloaded by the shower of masculinity that is this website, there’s “A Woman’s Appeal,” in which a woman named Ruthie Davis warns: “Your women need you to be better than what you are.” Again, the inadequacies are not detailed here. We are not told in what areas the men are lacking in their manliness. In fact, it just sounds like it’s not an issue of being shitty men but shitty people. But somehow masculinity plays a role in this.

My weak man heart can’t handle much more, so I’ll end with “The Knight’s Code of Honor,” a five-point dedication. This is where they lay it all out, so I’ll get some answers finally. The first two points of the Code are dedicated to females:

To the women who have longed for a world filled with knights, may they not be disappointed. May all women feel safe, respected and loved by the men around them. 

Safe from what? The big scary world? Do women need that burly man in their lives to protect them from the metaphorical dragons out there? To the Knights, women are all damsels in distress who need a daily dose of heroic manliness.

To our daughters, may they recognize the difference between a male and a man, and may they find the latter. 

Yes. One is biological and the other is a societal construct. NEXT.

To our sons, may they see our knighthood, go on their own personal quest and take the journey of manhood further than we have before them. 

Here I realize my biggest issue with the organization. They focus a lot on the word “manhood” which is also the Harlequin romance buzzword for “penis.” So you can imagine my immature reaction to most of what they say on this site.

To the men who brought honor before us, we join you. To the males who brought disappointment, we offer healing. 

“Disappointment” is yet another instance of vagueness, but given the religious focus of the organization, I doubt this is talking about bedroom disappointment.

To the world in which we find ourselves, may you discover renewed hope, the courage to change and the difference true manhood brings. 

Hahaha, manhood.